Twelve days ago, I left Cincinnati to find rest and to unwind from the strict routine my life has been stuck in. In this quest, I secretly hoped to find myself again—the person that was found everywhere but in herself. What I slowly realized is that I didn’t know how much of myself I really lost until I left Cincinnati and really took some time to focus on what was going on inside my heart.
Stepping outside of my world and looking in at everything that has been happening has been both an eye-opener and a full emotional release. What I have found is that I’ve let too many people shape who I am and control who I am becoming. It is clear that I haven’t been true to myself and somewhere along the way I ended up here. A tad lost and bit afraid. Where is my life headed?
Even though I feel a bit displaced and so uncertain about things to come, I see opportunity for a new beginning and a chance to uncover my buried heart, preparing for the love and life that I am about to experience—and this is enough to power through the loose ends that need tied up here. I thank God for His grace, perfect will, and perfect timing.
God really spoke to my heart the last several days in so many ways. I left Cincinnati not really caring if I ever came back, but I left the South with a heartache that physically made my heart hurt. It was like a whisper from God that said, home is where you heart is, and you’re not there yet.
This time away from Cincinnati was just what God ordered. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed so hard my belly hurt, spent time with old friends and made some new ones, made peace with some things in my past, and found a little bit of myself. Words cannot express the joy I felt in the last 12 days, but I am hanging on to every memory as I look forward to more days like these.
Things are changing in my life so fast. The divorce should be final by the end of the year and I just don’t have the slightest clue of what lies ahead. I’m flooded with emotion as I try to keep up and keep my focus on God, the only One who can steer my life in the right direction. And while I feel every emotion under the sun, the thing I continue to seek wholeheartedly is hope. Hope for a fresh start. Hope for finding a purpose. Hope for dreams come true. Hope for being the woman God created me to be. Hope for living a life that fears nothing but the Lord my God.