i spent several years wondering why God allows people to suffer through years of sickness instead of healing them. We know Jesus can heal - there are many, many examples of this throughout the Bible. In the book of John, we get a glimpse, in the story of the man who was blind from birth, of why God allows some people to suffer.
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. —John 9:1-3
For God's glory, that's why some people are selected to suffer. Years of pain, decades of a severe illness, all for the glory of God.
Verse 6 says, 6 After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. 7 “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.—John 9:6
Even if for the glory of God, it still doesn't make being sick easier. It doesn't make the job of a caregiver easier. But these verses do provide hope that one day Jesus will touch the sick and bring healing to a tired body - even if it means healing comes from being taken from this earth.
What i learned from being a caregiver for several years is that God teaches us to be content and full of hope for healing as He uses our trials to reveal Himself. i learned that i can take a sick person to every doctor, clinic, healer known to mankind, but the sick do not get better until God's will is done.
i think that the most important thing i learned was to rely on God for healing. There is none more powerful than God alone.
If you or a loved one is like the man who was blind since birth, these scripture verses provide hope for healing. When you've been told that there's nothing that can be done to make you better, reach up to Jesus and hold on. His will for your life is perfect and true healing comes from the Lord.
Lord, i pray for healing for all those who are sick and see no hope. I pray they rest in sweetly in Your arms. Lord, reveal to them what would heal them, be it spiritual, emotional, or physical healing. In Jesus' name. Amen.
My heart melted the very first time i heard this song. i remember immediately thanking Him ... for the battles we face are not our own:
He said, “Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the LORD says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s.—2 Chronicles 20:15
All authority is the Lord's. The victory is His (it was His before we were even created).
Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.—Matthew 28:18
The song says, We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb. By His blood we can overcome: • Addiction • Fears • Scars • Pain • Depression • Disease • Loss • Loneliness • Perfectionism • Control • Lust • Anger • Anything that you battling can be overcome - not by our own strength, but by His.
Whatever you are facing, claim victory in the name of Jesus and wait patiently for the Lord to finish the battle on your behalf.
Jesus, your name is great and awesome and so worthy of all our praise. Thank you for our victories in Your mighty name!
At the beginning of this year, God told my heart that He would reveal many things to me regarding my life, my marriage, and Luke's health. And He sure did—just not in the way that i thought or expected. And, while that saddens me, i see God's hand in all of this and i feel His presence and love more than ever.
A few weeks ago, i got word that someone in Luke's family wrote that i was selfish on his facebook wall. While typically don't let things from people who don't know me or the truth get to me, this really hurt and i carried it like a chain around my neck for awhile. (i even wrote a blog post 2 years ago about being selfish).
After a really hard 3 years, i had actually thanked God for teaching me to be selfless. And i don't think i'd ever expect anyone who didn't know me personally or my circumstances to really know what that means for me. i am not writing this post for anyone but myself—it's a way to document and close this chapter of my life in this place (my online journal), to let go of the frustrations of other's opinions and judgment and to move forward in the joy of the Lord as a promising new year awaits me.
to those who think i am selfish—you weren't there when:
• Luke first had a seizure while awake, in front of the fireplace, when i rushed to break his fall. • i had experienced Luke's 4 seizures within 24 hours due to a reaction to pharmaceuticals, just six months after being married. • i lie awake at night afraid and exhausted, praying for him. when i lie awake crying out to God for strength and grace. • i would fall to my knees in prayer for all his needs to be met. • for three years, i never had more than a few nights of uninterrupted sleep. • i managed our home, finances, cooked all homemade meals, cleaned, worked full time and took care of him. • i was the encourager and spiritual leader in our home. • i stayed up late to finish freelance work to help pay his portion of the bills and his premarital bills. • i selflessly gave up things i wanted or needed to provide for his needs. • i took him to the doctor 1-3 times per week ... in three years that's a total of about 312 doctor visits. • i suffered hours of immense pain from ovarian cysts caused by the stress by body was under. • my 5'4" frame had to move his 6'4" body after a seizure or prevent him from falling. • i felt so alone. • i struggled to stay awake at work from the stress, lack of sleep, and the constant moving. • i would draw him warm baths to soothe his aching and tired body. • asked you for help and you were too busy. • i had to watch him suffer through a seizure, prayed him through it, and lovingly cared for him. • Luke stopped responding to me as a wife and treated me like a mother. • i found out i was pregnant at the beginning of this year and carried the worry of losing it because of stress. you weren't there when i lost it at 3 months due to stress and i suffered the loss alone so that Luke would never blame himself for the stress i carried. i sacrificed my health for his. • he ran away from home and me and called his parents. when he denied my touch in the hospital. when he chose to go home with his parents and not me. • i tried to call him after he left home and he didn't respond to my texts or calls. when he didn't try to call me to tell me he missed me or loved me. • he told me he didn't want to be my husband. • i was so deeply distressed that he didn't call me or want me after 3 years of taking care of him that i was down to 97 pounds, unable to eat much or sleep. • i was up against a 20-year health battle and a family who didn't love me or believe that i tried to give him the best of everything i could. • i tried to do the very best that i could do, surviving by the strength and grace of God and by the love of my friends and family.
i don't say these things to make myself look like a hero or like a deserve an award. i am not perfect. i have made mistakes. i want you to know that if all these things that i lovingly, without anger or bitterness, did for luke has made me appear selfish, i am so very, very sorry—i pray that you will forgive me.
i want you to know i did the best that i could—my heart believes this and God has reassured me of this. i gave and gave and gave all i could—and i did it until Luke chose to walk away. i never masked my vulnerability and my weaknesses. i embraced them, letting the Lord fill me with grace and strength. i choose to move forward in love, peace, and in God's will for my life as i close this chapter.
In Nehemiah 8, Ezra the prophet, and the Levites who provided the music, read and explained the law of God to the people. It says: Vs 4: “ Ezra the scribe stood upon a pulpit of wood, which they had made for the purpose.” The people had gathered in the street, and the pulpit was high above them. When Ezra opened the book of the Law in the sight of all the people, they all stood up. He read to them from the “Bible” of their time. Afterwards, Nehemiah taught the people and helped them understand what was being read to them. Upon hearing and understanding it, they cried.
I don’t know about you, but that scene seems as familiar to me as if I were there. Like a good blessing church service. But for these people, this was extremely special, because they hadn't had access to their scriptures as we do today. There wasn’t a Bible or two for every person. I think I actually own 4 not counting the coffee table versions or the family bibles from my mom. I can’t imagine not being able to pick up one, open it and glean from its words whenever I pleased. There have been centuries of people who have not had that easy access. We sometimes don’t consider what a glorious opportunity we have in our age to choose any verse we desire to read. With a concordance by my side, or Bible Gateway open, I can actually choose to read only the verses that speak of my subject. It blesses me so much, that I can’t imagine not having that option.
When the people heard what Nehemiah taught, they cried. Yet he admonished them to make a choice not to be sad:
Vs. 9. …This day is holy unto the Lord your God. Mourn not, nor weep.
Vs 10. Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions to them for whom nothing is prepared…Neither be ye sorry, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.
When we are faced with the toils of the world, and sadness or worry stealthily seek to spoil our joy, God desires that we choose Joy, that we may have strength in those times. Ever notice how sorrow zaps your strength. My husband and son often choose to joke in what seems like inappropriate times to me. If I am sad, my husband goes out of his way to make jokes so I will smile. Sometimes I don’t feel like smiling, and I don’t want him joking. But his is actually the better attitude. I allow the sorrow to drain me. He finds joy and remains strong.
Vs. 12 says: And all the people went their way to eat and to drink, to send portions, and to make great mirth, because they had understood the words that were declared unto them.
Nehemiah was helping the people to choose how they placed their focus. He wanted them not to dwell on the fact that they had not known the law, and hadn’t understood God’s desires for their lives; not to let their regret take the stand in their lives. Rather, he wanted them to direct their focus on the fact that they now had understanding, and that was a reason to be glad.
I believe the Lord has led me this season, to find Joy for my strength. I have been saying for a week how much stronger I felt this Christmas, and was well aware that I was choosing to have joy. But only when I asked the Lord what I should I write about this week, did I see the multitude of scriptures that indicated that choosing Joy is the reason for my renewed strength. The Spirit of God had led me to joy even before I read the admonitions of scripture. And he had demonstrated the results, so that I might have no doubt when I read the words.
Isaiah 61:3 says: To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning.
The medicine for sadness around the holidays or any time, is to chose to have joy.
In Nehemiah 8, the Levites who were the praise and worship people, found themselves with a different task. It says in verse 11 that they stilled the people and said “hold your peace… neither be ye grieved.” Many of the verses in my concordance, which speak of joy, note that God gives joy coupled with peace. So I have decided, in the words of the old pastors and ministers of the Word, to “HOLD MY PEACE” AND CHOOSE TO HAVE JOY…
When we get together at a funeral of one of my husband’s family, there is always laughing in the hallways. And by the casket, for that matter. There was a time when I wondered what other people who were in other rooms thought, but I finally realized, that since so many of Jimmy’s family are secure in their salvation, that the laughter was more than appropriate. They are a family who lives their joy. There is scripture to back the desire to rejoice when someone has died and gone to the presence of God. But most of all, the Word clearly tells us to make being joyful the remedy for our sadness, and the means by which we return to a place of strength. His family most definitely finds their release and ability to move on in their knack for laughter.
One of the “Opposites of God” basics is that we can turn from one thing and be renewed in its opposite. This fits the principle, that we should release the one and seek the other.Let me challenge anyone who finds themselves weary and overwhelmed, to find Joy so that they may also find Strength.
An exercise in renewing your mind would be to write the word JOY and place it everywhere. Hang it on the fridge, on the mirror, on the dash of your car. If jokes aren’t your thing, then find pictures that make you smile, or wear colors that bring you joy. Look in the mirror and actually make yourself smile. During the day, raise your eyebrows and follow it by relaxing your face, then smile. Think of God and Smile. Think of your favorite food and smile. Think of something and close your eyes and spell out silently: J O Y. Visualize it. Hold your smile for as long as you can and time it. Ask your co-worker to tell their joke again, and this time smile! Renew your mind.
Much love to everyone this Holiday season. And for those who are really having a hard time finding joy this year, say this over and over: “Count It All Joy.” It won’t feel like joy, but the mind will eventually obey God’s Word. For you I pray in a special way, cause I’ve been there…I know how hard it is to choose joy in pain. But the time will come…the time will come.
Lord, help the hurting, the weary, the sad and grieving, those with loss and those who just don’t know why they don’t have joy to choose selectively to find joy, that they may have the strength your Word promises. Grant this is Jesus Name and for whom we celebrate. AMEN
Throughout the past six years in my walk with the Lord, I have become thoroughly convinced in the necessity of having a winning team surrounding me. By the term “winning team,” I mean a group of solid believers who will support my journey.
Over the past ten years, the Lord has graciously blessed me with friends who live Christ centered lives. Women who study God’s word and apply it every day. These sisters are not perfect but are motivated to become more like the Lord. Along with their Godly walks, I see women who are not afraid to speak the truth in love, even when I don’t necessarily like it. My friends live all over the United States, but are there for me with just a phone call or email.
Friendships like this do not usually happen overnight but take months or years to develop. These particular women have not led perfect lives and have all had struggles, heartbreaks, or strongholds but search for God’s hand every day in the midst of life. We laugh, cry, and pray with one another carrying each other in prayer and love. My sister chicks are on my team.
The other part of my team that has developed over the past two years is my health care team. The Lord has led me down paths to find several excellent doctors who are all Christians and understand my need to pray and petition before taking medicine or having medical procedures. I believe these medical professionals hear my concerns and value me as a human being.
As I’ve gotten older, I know that I need doctors who will listen to me and want me to be healed, but understand who the “Healer” ultimately is. They view themselves as a facilitator of healing. The health care providers I choose are on my team.
As Christians, I believe it is crucial that we develop a support group composed of friends and doctors who always point us to Jesus and cheer us on through our journey of sanctification.
Ephesians 4:1-6 says,
“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.”
My Prayer: God, thank you for the winning team you have placed in my life. I pray for those who don’t have a support group today to reach out to you and that you would begin to develop a Godly covering. Lord, thank you for being with us, but we praise you that you don’t expect us to walk through our lives alone. In Jesus Name!
For a long while, i desperately attempted to find out how God would use the storm in my life for good. i was so knee deep in muck that good seemed lightyears away. But, Hope made it possible to believe that God would use this pain, heartache, and life struggle for good—even though i didn't understand how or when.
As i look to the sky these days, i see the clouds parting, revealing brilliant blue skies. i feel the warmth of the sun. The pounding rain has been reduced to a light refreshing rain. And, in the distance, i see a beautiful, vibrant rainbow and am reminded of God's promises. While this season brings many mixed emotions, i am finding balance, joy, and deep love in the Lord. This makes me realize that this is just one of the many reasons He allows us to travel through the darkest valleys—to draw us closer to Him as He molds us into the person He created us to be.
Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. —Isaiah 64:8
i am seeing how He has taken my life and molded it into something that He could use for the greater good. He took every tear and increased my compassion for others. He took all my pain and replaced it with empathy. He showered me with grace and mercy so that i could shower others with grace and mercy. He overpowered my weakness with His strength so that i could help others be strong. He allowed the core of me to be broken so that i could experience His healing hands. He took my passion and aligned it with His will. He did not waste any detail of my life—especially the details experienced in the valley.
During my journey, God revealed to me a great need for emotional healing in not only myself but in others. God has opened a door for me to help others through emotional healing that is based on biblical truths—to help people let go of the past and move forward in forgiveness, joy, peace, and love to live the life that God has called them to. This little side job allows me to play a small part in the way God heals the mind, body, spirit and i'm extremely excited and passionate about this new journey of being outwardly focused.
My very first client was one who shared a very similar story to mine—a simple reminder from God that this is what He is calling me to do and that He has equipped me for a purpose greater than what i can imagine.
i look back on all the things i had to go through for God to bring me to a place where i could help others. The potter had to do a lot of reworking of the clay. That reshaping was not fun for me, but i am loving the work that He is creating and i can see his artistry in it. i've still got cracks and chips, but i'm learning to find the beauty in not being perfect—and to appreciate the entire journey that caused those imperfections. Sometimes we don't see the beauty in our flaws, but God does.
If you're wondering what good can come of your pain, put your trust in the Lord alone. i guarantee He will turn it into something beautiful.
Scripture to memorize:Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. —Isaiah 64:8
Last Friday, i was sitting at work and i came to a point of not being able to focus. i started to get highly anxious and emotional—almost like i was going to spew emotions all over the place and it wasn't going to be pretty. Now, i am one to handle my emotions pretty well, especially after deeply studying emotional health and healing in the last several months.
i sat there, knowing that all these emotions were swelling up inside and the stress that was putting on my body, but for some reason had the inability to deal with them appropriately. It truly was more than i could bear. That kind of freaked me out a bit, mostly because having a meltdown at work is not cool, lol. i prayed and prayed and prayed for peace in my heart.
When i left work, got some fresh air and got some loving support from friends, i found myself realizing that some of the numbness of what has been going on in my life, oh, for three years now, was finally starting to wear off. i don't have to be in fight-or-flight mode anymore and my body, after much rest, is letting everything go that i've been holding on too for quite some time. i've reached a point, where i've been able to have enough quiet time to realize everything that is happening. Add to that the fact that every time Friday rolls around it ends another week that I haven't seen or heard much from Luke (4 weeks, now). As i felt the peace of the Lord come over me, He whispered to my guarded heart, It's OK, let it all go. I am here and I will comfort you, wrap my loving arms around you and fill the holes in your heart.
It wasn't too long after i left work that i got a text from a friend asking if i wanted to join her at a prayer meeting Friday night to be prayed for, loved on and to just spend quiet time with the Lord. i love it when God knows exactly what i need.
For 4.5 hours Friday night I worshiped the Lord in song, sat at the foot of the cross (in my mind), laid all my burdens down, and waited on the Lord to speak to my fragile heart. Instead of talking to God (sometimes i wonder if He's ever thinking shut-up and just listen cause i usually do most of the talking). i quieted every bit of me and just listened, letting Him heal the brokenness and answer my hearts hardest questions. Before I left, they prayed over me until there was nothing left but peace, understanding, and love in my body. i left there not afraid, anxious, or unloved. And, all the emotion i felt earlier that day, all came out when they prayed for me and i'm pretty sure it was enough junk to say that i should've been releasing some of this throughout the last three years.
i got home and i slept the best sleep that i've had in three years.
My friends, i cannot stress the importance of prayer in my life and yours. It is how God heals us of all our pain and suffering and our sin. It is through prayer that he restores our soul. In the three years of constant fight or flight mode, i had lost the quiet time in my life that i needed to spend with Him. Thankfully during that time He provided me with grace and strength to get through the journey, but now it's time to really set aside time with the Lord. It doesn't have to be 4.5 hours, or even 2 hours. The Lord will guide you in the time He needs to spend with you. Don't miss an opportunity to meet with Him daily to find peace, rest, and encouragement.
Someone said something i loved on Friday night. "How do you know God is near? Take a breath. We cannot have breath without God. He is the giver of breath and life." So, when you feel like God is so far away, focus on your breathing and realize that gift of life and know that He is as close to you as your next breath. He will never leave you nor forsake you and He will provide your every need. And, like the lyrics of this song (please listen-you will be blessed) remind us ... He is our healer.
You hold my every moment You calm my raging sea You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease
I believe You're my healer I believe You are all I need I believe I believe You're my portion I believe You're more than enough for me Jesus, You're all I need.
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible Nothing is impossible for You You hold my world in Your hands Nothing is impossible for You Nothing is impossible Nothing is impossible for You You hold my world in Your hands
Are you tired, lonely, stressed, anxious today? About to spew emotions all over the place? My prayer for you is that you will sit at His pierced feet, repeat the last paragraph of this song, Nothing is impossible for You, and ask that Jesus fill your heart, your soul, your mind. And, take a deep breath believing that He is so near to you.
i can't really think of many people who like to wait.
On a daily basis, most of us probably wait in traffic, wait for coffee, wait in line at the grocery store, wait for kids to get ready, wait for our spouse to hurry up and get out of the shower (Luke's usually the one waiting, lol), wait at the doctors office, wait for dinner to cook, wait for our favorite TV show to come on, wait for an important phone call or email ... the list could go on and on and on. My point is, we've become fairly patient while waiting for these things.
But, when it comes to waiting on the Lord, we probably couldn't use the words waiting and patiently in the same sentence. Being hurried daily and holding tightly to a to-do list that we keep adding to, has made us too busy to be patient for anything we have to wait longer than 15 minutes for. So when God doesn't answer our prayers in the time window we've created, we grow bitter, angry, frustrated, and impatient—just like we would if we had to wait for any of the things i mentioned above. We submit prayer requests with a Return ASAP stamp on it or a red, high-priority exclamation point, demanding that God answer or we'll take matters into our own hands, or worse yet, fabricate in our own minds what we think God told us to do. We get in such a hurry and need an answer now, that it becomes easy to put words in God's mouth and claim them to be His.
Sometimes God answers prayers immediately. Other times He teaches us to wait for Him through patience and obedience. And, throughout life, He will continue to allow us to experience difficult things to teach us how to be more patient and more reliant on Him.
i really thought i was patient until Luke got sick. It was at this point that i realized i wasn't patient at all. i've been waiting (sometimes patiently, other times not) for the Lord for 3 years now for Luke to have complete healing. Three years seems like eternity even though the time has flown by. What i have learned in these 3 years, though, is priceless. i have learned that i can make myself sick by fostering bitterness, hurt, anger, and grief towards others or God, take matters into my own hands and make decisions based on my limited perspective of the situation (which is never good), let others play god and tell me what to do (bad decision), or i can choose to wait for the Lord to guide each step.
Throughout my journey, there have been times where i have chosen each one of those options. The ONLY one that has provided comfort, peace, joy, and unconditional love is waiting on the Lord. When we listen to our heart, allowing God to speak to it, and wait patiently for Him to tell us our next move, we can only move forward on a path that is well lit and safe to travel. The Lord would never take us down a dangerous path-we choose those paths for ourselves when we don't take the time to ask God about what to do.
God did not heal Luke's epilepsy in an instant, but He is healing Him on His time, not mine. The most important thing God has revealed to me is only He knows how everything will unfold. Not me, not another. But when i listen closely to Him, tune out the world, and wait patiently for Him, He guides me one step at a time and puts peace in my heart because i know that i am following His will.
So, if i may encourage you today during your waiting period, however long it may be, take a deep breath in, be still and wait patiently for the Lord, pray without ceasing. Involve Him in all your decisions and you will know a peaceful, patient path that will take you down roads of pure joy.
Dear Lord, i am busy—far busier than i know you would want me to be. i run myself ragged trying to make a buck and spend all my time doing things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. i make time to wait patiently for coffee in the morning, but i rarely make time to be still in front of you. i'll be honest, God, being still makes me uncomfortable-it makes me feel like i am wasting time. But Lord, i know that being still in front of you brings peace, comfort and rest. You know how important it is that i have patience, so i thank you even during the trials in my life that you would teach me to be still and patient-waiting for your perfect will for my life. Help me to be patient, Lord, and to know that You are in control and that the burdens i pick up along the way are not mine to bear—they are Yours. So remind me every day Lord of your unfailing love and the need to wait for You to move. Your reminders, Lord, may they keep me on a peaceful path that leads to great joy and answered prayer. Amen.
Scripture to memorize: Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.—Psalm 37:7
Need a gentle, daily reminder to wait for the Lord? Download the above 4x6 photo (click here), print it, frame it and put it in a place you will see it every day (in your bedroom, on your desk, in your kitchen, etc).
Recently, my camera shutter button broke. “What will I do now?” I moaned. For some time, I was sure God was leading me into a profession of taking pictures and turning them into graphics, as are millions of other would be artists. Seeing the market overwhelmed with artistic souls wishing for an outlet has been a little discouraging. My family just knew I would never make it work. But amidst caring for elderly parents, and realizing how much I really didn’t know - which I needed to know - I kept trudging into the bog of just figuring it out. Bog is an appropriate word, because for every step up I took up, I felt like I sank two.
One day, I was given the choice to bring my Mother home with me, from the nursing home in another state. I called my family, who even on such short notice said, “BRING HER.” I was pleasantly surprised to find that they had rearranged things to make a room just for her. They had done such an amazing job. Clearing the room of its contents, they created a desk area for my husband in our family room, and stored our stacks of notebooks with art and research onto a single shelving unit. To do so they had moved my keyboard into the front room where lovely light comes through the window.
Sometimes, when my things are moved to a place where no one else generally is, I feel displaced. Because the likes and dislikes of my family are often very different from mine, this happens a lot. It is usually to the basement or an outbuilding. But this time, it seemed the perfect place. I could turn the volume down and play to my heart’s content. And while my mother was with us, I could play for her. So I began to practice more.
Mother became bored very quickly if I began to miss keys and chords. So I became a little repetitive with my melody phrasing. By playing the same things over and over, I began to be able to play more fluidly. One day while playing, I thought, “this is how the mind learns to do things with ease.” Like a babe learning to walk, a child on a bike, a teen behind the wheel of a car, it is with repetitiveness that we learn to do something that becomes second hand. Upon the early repetitiveness we build and expand our skills.
This was something I thought Mama had lost - the ability to learn and remember. But somewhere there was a part of her brain where she could still learn. She relearned how to *take care of herself and take a bath. To take regular meals at the table, get up mornings and put on fresh clothes. At bedtime, she let me help her into nightclothes and brush her hair. She had not done these things for a very long time. For her it was the doing she could remember, but just hearing it was lost forever. There were other things she relearned too, but eventually her body just couldn’t hold up to doing what she learned.
Once Mother passed away, I found it was God’s timing for me to begin to build a new foundation for the empty place in my world. To take steps to build something new for my own future. With that in mind, I returned to my computer. I thought, “I have to learn a whole new way of doing things.” From experience, I knew first to see what the Lord has already provided. I once built a business from just the things God provided and an initial investment of 50 cents. I was certainly no stranger to seeing what God can do with the smallest of offerings, hundreds of times in my life. At first it seemed that I had nothing. I asked God to show me what I really had. There was a software program my son downloaded for me for free. I could learn that program. It was time to start. A few online tutorials and I was on my way.
Next, I returned to a blog, which I had tried to build months earlier. I was embarrassed that everyone in the world but me knew you could begin for free. After several failures, I gave up. I became successful with Facebook, (who wouldn’t?), so I decided to try the blog again. “Baby steps.” This time it clicked. Slowly, I entered one or two posts, and after not being able to post for several weeks, I forgot how again. Try as I might I couldn’t get back into it. So I decided to stop being afraid of it, and just click EVERYWHERE - look at every detail. I found the design part of the thing….OK, in my element now - I lost my fear.
Without retelling every detail, may I say, I realized it is never a good idea to stop learning. And to push through the fear. My mother’s Alzheimer’s & dementia made me keenly aware of that. When mother began relearning things, I encouraged her to try new things. She was so afraid of everything. I discovered that even in her state it was worth trying; that God makes it possible to start from scratch with almost nothing. Unfortunately, the disease does damage in ways that learning new and exciting things doesn’t cure. Some things she would never remember. She eventually had to return to a nursing home. But I felt that I had given her more than the nursing homes did, for a little while. And we had changed her decrepit living conditions.
I was pleasantly surprised to find that blogging was like journaling. It was a creative way to put my thoughts, art and bits of me on virtual paper. I could return to it, rework it, redraw it, rethink it, and build upon it from the last time I was there - like expanding a few bars of music into a song. There are always places in life when everything changes. And I would venture that it is the same for everyone - we start with almost nothing in what we know about where God is taking us, starting with only the foundation.
Now that God pushed me, the way I had to push Mama, into learning something, we have built a foundation. I am discovering freedom to go where the Lord is leading. However, there are heart problems that learning new things will not cure. (Although it helps.) And fear is my biggest heart problem. They said Mom’s heart finally succumbed to the resistance she had to not eating and drinking. She developed unreasonable fears of food and drink. She fell back into refusing the help she was being given. It is possible to know where the Lord is leading, and fail to step out on faith, because of the fear of failing. Are you realizing what my second big heart problem is? It is failing to focus on Him. To shut out the discouragement, cease looking to friends and family for direction, and let God teach me --- *how to take care of myself, to eat regular meals at His table, to wake mornings and dress anew in clothes He prepared, to do things in a way that I hadn’t done them for a long time. To fight Spiritual Alzheimer’s disease. So in addition to learning new things, I have been relearning an old thing – FOCUS ON GOD.
Focusing on Him has refined my searching. Plus it has helped me stand firm on my decisions - against the din of other advice. (I noticed last week that God shared this with Lori as well in her blog. That’s how God is. He attunes our hearts like tuning forks to be like-minded.)
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“Lord, I have been nearly overwhelmed by fear of what could happen during the last two years. I feared what to do now that things have happened. But as time passes, I lean more on the assurance that You are there, no matter when my fears become reality. You stand by me, even when I am pitching a tantrum of emotions. (Just as my mother did.)
For my family’s sake, I guess what I need to pray is, Lord protect the people around me from me. Help them know that even when I am falling apart on them, You will not be. Then hold my attention Lord. Help me focus on you no matter what. I accept your Grace, and urging to learn a new thing. I choose to focus on you. AMEN”
For I, the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not;I will help thee. Isaiah: 41:13 KJV
BY YOUR SIDE by Tenth Avenue North (download by giulianoaugusto)
Christy posted at the beginning of the week about doing home/heart redecorating. It is another form of how God is continually refreshing our lives, bringing renewal. Take a look back and see where you are in life. Redecorating stage or all out start over with nothing stage. They are both normal, expected places where God is bringing to us newness of life - expect them, share any fear of them with God, and try to think how exciting it was to learn to ride your first bike. It’s like that – a little scary, maybe a “skint” knee at first, but then: “look out world!” Freedom to fly!
Please tell us where you are today. Is there a Re…something going on in your life?
